Transparency

The past couple of weeks have been really hard. We have experienced spiritual warfare throughout this adoption process, but none like this past couple of weeks. Before, we struggled with HOW we would be able to adopt; the past couple of weeks we have struggled with the IF. Let me explain.

We do not struggle with infertility; we want to adopt because we have been adopted by God and because we believe in life. We want to adopt the unwanted child. We looked long and hard at adopting through the foster care system, but Daniel did not think that our girls and I could emotionally take the constant uncertainty of it all. Down the road, when our children are older, we hope to become a foster family. We were open to any child under the age of our children. Once we found Bethany Christian Services, we immediately loved the way they minister to birthmothers. In fact, the "birthmother care fee" is specifically to support the agency's birthmothers. We prayed (a lot) and dove in! With the help of so many people, we were able to pay our fees and join in the rank of "waiting families."

A couple of weeks ago, we received a message from our agency that caused us to start to doubt whether or not we did the right thing in choosing Bethany Christian Services. We were told our wait would be more than the average because most birthmothers want to choose families who struggle with infertility. The last thing we want to do is take a child away from a family that deeply longs to have a child. We started feeling like we were in the way. I cannot tell you how much I have cried over this. Were we doing the right thing? It has been a difficult past couple of weeks.


After listening to me for so long, Daniel decided it was worth it to just lay it out there to our agency. Below is the email he sent and their response. Before you read these two emails,  I want to say that God is always faithful. The words of my youth pastor from younger years still comes to mind: "Do what's right because you know its right until it feels right."

Daniel's email:

My wife and I recently finished our home study and became a waiting family. Since then, we’ve begun to have some doubts about whether we’re doing the right thing in adopting through Bethany. Let me explain. The reason we are adopting is because we want to live out our faith by providing an alternative to abortion to moms who are facing an unplanned pregnancy, and we want to care for children that need to be taken care of. We have biological twins, and infertility is not an issue. We were drawn to Bethany because your mission of ministering to the birth mother resonated with our reasons for adopting.   

Now that we’re a waiting family, we’re starting to wonder if we are really helping anybody. When we see the ratio of waiting families to expecting mothers, we wonder if we’re just competing to take a baby away from an infertile couple. It’s not that we’re discouraged about the potential length of the waiting period. We were prepared for that from the beginning. We feel like we’re just getting in the way. We’ve already sunk $6000 into Bethany, so we feel stuck. We still believe in Bethany’s mission and are glad to be a part of it. I was wondering if you could help us gain some perspective on the situation.  Are we missing something? Thank you for your help.   Sincerely,   DK 

Our agency's response:

Thank you for writing to share your concerns. We value our families and always want you to feel that your concerns are heard.

Please hear me say with a resounding YES that you are so vital to our ministry. I do not have your info in front of me, but I believe that you all are very open to medical and mental health needs in a baby. We always have a need for families who are very open, and I was just recently telling Stephanie that we needed more "open to anything" families because we only have a few (maybe a handful of those 40). When a birthmother comes to us and has used substances or has a significant mental health history (and is not caucasian), there are very few families I can show her. As you can imagine, many of our infertile couples want their first child to be healthy, so many are not open to a child with these types of special needs. So a mother who has chosen life but has made these decisions or has such a history does not have many families to choose from..so we need families just like you to raise these babies! Our mission is to find a loving Christian home for ANY child. If you would prefer to only be shown to mothers who have a baby with these needs, we can do that (instead of being shown in all situations), if you feel drawn to help children in the most need. 

And your support of Bethany absolutely serves women who have chosen life..and encourages those who are considering abortion that there are other options. I can confidently tell these women "we will find a home for ANY baby,"..because of families like you. Just this week, I was speaking with a mom who drank during her pregnancy and felt the rejection of being turned down by a family because of this. We need families that will accept any child, no matter what their needs. I wish I could sit down face to face and tell you how the money you have invested in Bethany supports women..women considering abortion, women who have just found out they are pregnant and are scared....  women needing clothes, a listening ear, and a family for their "less than perfect" (in the world's eye) baby..your support (including your birthmother fund fee) allows me to give those things to women every single day. 

So I hope you hear me saying that yes, we need you! Families like yours are so vital to our ministry. Please let me know if you have further concerns, and thank you for choosing to partner with us.

Blessings,
Kelli

After he forwarded the emails to me, Daniel called me to make sure I'd read them. I told him that it was exactly what I needed to hear; it removed any doubt or guilt I had. Daniel said, "Me, too. I read it at least three times!" I want to add that Daniel and I are going to change our profile status to only to be shown to those mothers who have special circumstances. It will most likely increase our wait time, but this is what we feel led to do. Please pray to this end: that we will be chosen to adopt the child that needs our family. Also, please pray as we raise the remaining adoption fee.

I want to encourage you. If you are called by the Lord to do something, be transparent with someone throughout the process...even if it makes you look like your faith is weak. Apart from Christ, we are all weak. Pray, cling to God's Word, and trust the Lord. Do what's right because you know its right until it feels right.